"She had a lot of hugs to give, but not enough people to give them to."
-Sundays at Tiffany's
-Sundays at Tiffany's
I'm sitting here and - quite simply - trying to decide what to say and how to say it. This is not the first time I've had to create a monologue in my mind - I've mastered the art of conversing with myself, plotting all the paths the conversation could go towards, creating multiple endings to the narrative. It's a tricky, yet somehow simple, topic. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Those three words shattered my world apart, and I'm still - slowly but surely - gluing the pieces back together. It's something I've dealt with for as long as I can remember. Recently, I participated in a video documentation of various mental illnesses, sharing my story with a small pool of YouTube viewers. Although I remained anonymous, it gave me a bit more courage to share my struggle in a more direct way. Here. It's an illness, something that doesn't go away. I will have OCD all my life; it's engrained in me. Through exposure therapy, I am able to overcome my fears, but it's painful. Not physically, but mentally. I am in a much better place than I used to be. I was drowning in depression as a result of this disease, and was barely maintaining normal physical behavior. Eating was a task, leaving my room was nearly impossible. I was scared of the world. That's changed over time, thankfully. Something that people don't realize is that OCD isn't just a way to explain how "anal" or "picky" you are about something. It's an actual fear or obsessive thought. It eats away at your mind, redirects your focus from the more important parts of life like family, friends, and fun. Please, if you don't have OCD, don't say you are "OCD" about something. I guess what I want to say is this: OCD is real, it's challenging, it's life-ruining, but it's not life-ending. You can overcome it. You are stronger than it. I finally did it. I am exposed. Even if it's just me that reads this, I will have jumped a major hurdle: I was not afraid to admit out loud that this is me, this is what I have, and this is what (no longer) defines my life. If you have questions about my OCD or want to share your own experiences with me, send me a message. I'd love to talk! I've included links to some helpful books.
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